I started writing my blog in October 2011. As I have now reached a year of blogging, I thought I'd spend some time reflecting on the last twelve months. What a year it has been!
I went back to the very beginning and read through each of the 122 posts I have written, along with every single comment left by others. It's taken me a good while to get through it all. I laughed and I cried in equal measure.
At some points, I laughed out loud!
Do you remember the lemons?! Those of you who have been reading for a while (some of you, from the very beginning!) will remember all too well the huge box of lemons I bought at the start of the year. I'm STILL working my way through them. I've lost count of the number of lemon sponges I have made.
I chuckled to myself reading all my banana posts. I've made a LOT of banana cake! In many different guises! In fact, I've recently stopped buying bananas - I'm not sure if it's the bananas I'm fed up with, or the cake that undoubtedly follows when there's over-ripe bananas left to be used up!
Ahhh, the yellow stickers!! Who could forget my love of the reduced section in the supermarket. Note: this has not changed! I still look out for them and base my meals around the bargains I pick up. Old habits die hard!
Our gardening efforts started off with such promise... sadly the weather seriously affected this year's crop and we ended up with only a few potatoes and some lettuce (much to my husband's disappointment). Here's to better luck next year!
My lovely friend bought me a food processor after reading my post about making meatballs. I think she felt sorry for me, making breadcrumbs with a cheese grater! I now use my food processor often - I'm so glad I have one now, it makes a multitude of preparation tasks so much easier!
I still haven't finished Lizzie's quilt. It remains on my To Do list, though...
I prepared for winter so much last year, the winter never really amounted to anything, and we hardly had any snow at all. I'm assured that this year there will be snow like we had two years ago, so my preparations for winter will shortly begin again in earnest!
As my thoughts turn to planning for Christmas, I'm relieved that I bought as much as I did earlier in the year. I'll soon be digging out my Christmas box from the cupboard under the stairs - although I have already got the majority of my gifts bought already.
Oh, how I cried too.
I read all the posts I wrote about preparing for my baby's arrival. The photograph of the moses basket, ready by my bedside, waiting for a baby that never came home from the hospital. The last post I wrote before Daisy was born. How very, very sad.
Re-reading the posts I wrote just after Daisy's death was so emotional. I poured my heart out - what was left of it - into each and every post I wrote at the time. My shattered heart and my shattered dreams. I can re-live the exact feelings of my grief through the words I wrote - thick, palpable, heavy words of grief and despair. Those were dark and sad days indeed.
The days now are not so dark or heavy. The light at the end of the tunnel draws closer; we continue to move towards it. Grief is a journey indeed. Putting one foot in front of the other, getting through just one day, one moment, at a time, has lead me to where I am now. The journey is far from over; but the sorrow and sadness is easier to bear. I am learning to live with losing Daisy. It still hurts, but I am living with it.
I have changed in a lot of ways; I hope that I am now a more compassionate and loving person than I ever was before. I hope I can extend kindness to others in the way people did to me. Reading all the comments from visitors to my blog reminded me of the kindness and support extended to me in my darkest days. What strength I took from all those comments and emails from that time - all these strangers, stopping by, pausing a moment to offer a supportive word to a woman whose heart was broken. I will be forever grateful for the kindness sent to me from all over the world - the support gave me strength more than words can ever describe.
Although I will never be the same person I was before, I am starting to find pleasure in the little things again. In the days and weeks after Daisy's death, I thought I never would. I remember saying to my husband that I'd never be happy again. Others assured me that I would; that I would find myself again, my new self. And I am.
With that, I'm off to start another list. I am still a planner!
Thanks so much for reading and for staying with me on my journey.
Best Wishes
Debbie
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