I've pretty much held my breath for the best part of nine months. I've occupied my days and filled my time and tried my very best to keep my head above water. I always knew that this pregnancy was going to be difficult, in so many ways. But I continue to be surprised by the twists and turns in my emotions, right up into the final weeks.
At times I feel completely overwhelmed with panic; bubbling in my throat and gripping at my heart and threatening to consume me, the fright and the worry that something will go wrong and I'll have another baby in my heart instead of my arms.
I also feel weighed down with a sadness on my shoulders that's so unbearably heavy. As we approach Daisy's birthday I cannot help but re-visit the heartbreaking memories of the time - the joy of her birth, the earth-shattering moment when she died, the crushing memory of cradling my newborn in my arms for the first and last time - the only time.
There's also a sense of tentative anticipation. Maybe, just maybe, this baby will be born, she will take her first breath herself and they will pass her to me straight away. Maybe I will be able to hold her into my arms and gaze lovingly at her face for the first time. Maybe I'll stroke her cheek and kiss her forehead and Dad and I will beam with joy and love for our new daughter.
We are physically prepared for our new arrival. The practicalities are in place. The bags have been packed and arrangements have been made for Lizzie to be cared for whilst I am in hospital.
Emotionally and mentally is a different story. All we can do is keep focused on the last few days, one day at a time, and get through each one.
Thank you all for reading and for your supportive messages throughout, they have meant a great deal to me.
Best wishes
Debbie
No comments:
Post a Comment