Our new arrival

I'm delighted to share our happy news with you all.

Our new daughter, Molly, arrived safely and we couldn't be happier with her.  She's perfect in every way!

The days since her birth have been somewhat blurred into one continuous round of feeding, changing and sleeping - we're all settling down and getting used to life with a newborn in the family.

I'll be back soon but in the meantime I'm taking a little break to concentrate on Molly and Lizzie.

Thank you for all your lovely messages!

Debbie x

A long nine months

I've pretty much held my breath for the best part of nine months.  I've occupied my days and filled my time and tried my very best to keep my head above water.  I always knew that this pregnancy was going to be difficult, in so many ways.  But I continue to be surprised by the twists and turns in my emotions, right up into the final weeks.

At times I feel completely overwhelmed with panic; bubbling in my throat and gripping at my heart and threatening to consume me, the fright and the worry that something will go wrong and I'll have another baby in my heart instead of my arms.

I also feel weighed down with a sadness on my shoulders that's so unbearably heavy.  As we approach Daisy's birthday I cannot help but re-visit the heartbreaking memories of the time - the joy of her birth, the earth-shattering moment when she died, the crushing memory of cradling my newborn in my arms for the first and last time - the only time.

There's also a sense of tentative anticipation.  Maybe, just maybe, this baby will be born, she will take her first breath herself and they will pass her to me straight away.  Maybe I will be able to hold her into my arms and gaze lovingly at her face for the first time.  Maybe I'll stroke her cheek and kiss her forehead and Dad and I will beam with joy and love for our new daughter.

We are physically prepared for our new arrival.  The practicalities are in place.  The bags have been packed and arrangements have been made for Lizzie to be cared for whilst I am in hospital.

Emotionally and mentally is a different story.  All we can do is keep focused on the last few days, one day at a time, and get through each one.

Thank you all for reading and for your supportive messages throughout, they have meant a great deal to me.

Best wishes
Debbie

My pregnancy - 23 weeks

With less than 15 weeks to go until we meet our new arrival, I'm beginning to feel as though the reality of bringing home a baby might be just around the corner.  So my thoughts are turning to the To Do list - and, quite frankly, there's a LOT to do!  After Daisy died and we packed up all our baby things into storage, the baby's room became the spare room and from there it didn't take much time at all to become the junk room... and we're now at the point where there's barely space to squeeze in amongst all the "stuff" that has accumulated in there over the last 9 months.  We made a start on clearing the room at the weekend; a trip to the tip later and some items stashed up the loft, and we seem to be making some progress.  There's still plenty to be done though, clearing space and finding a proper home for everything, before we can make a start on re-decorating and furnishing the room.  All of this at a time when there seems to be so much happening with work, school, activities and so on, that there doesn't seem to be many hours in between to make much headway.  And all of this with just 14 weekends remaining, and I'm starting to feel just the tiniest bit of pressure!

I'd really like to have the baby's room ready before our baby arrives; although it will be some time before the baby will be sleeping in there, I'd like to have a proper room set out with all the baby's things organised and accessible.

When I finish at work I was thinking about starting a sewing project or two (I know, I know - I haven't finished the last one... or two, or three!) - I was going to make bunting to hang on the wall in floral fabrics with letters spelling out the baby's name, along with a matching cot quilt and a patchwork cushion cover for the chair in the corner.  Something pretty and pink, that I can spend time concentrating on in the run-up to the baby being born.  I've never tried making bunting before but a friend of mine gave me a pattern and I'm hoping it will be straightforward.  I'm not sure how to go about the lettering, though - I've seen iron-on felt letters online which might be an idea, unless you have any other suggestions?

In the meantime I seem to be adding more to the To Do list than we are completing - my husband is going to be very busy over the coming weeks, as my expanding bump is beginning to get in the way and I need to take it easy more and more!

Best Wishes
Debbie

My pregnancy - 20 weeks

We reached an important milestone in my pregnancy this week as we went for our 20-week scan, the anomaly scan.  I'll admit I was wound up like a spring before we went in - I'd barely been able to eat, and felt sick with apprehension.  I was tense and worried that we were going to get bad news.

It wasn't until after the scan was over and we were back in the waiting area that I realised just how uptight I had been - when I burst into tears with relief that the scan had happened and everything was as it should be.  I had no reason to expect otherwise - but then I'd had no reason to expect that something would ever happen to my last baby, and Daisy died the day after she was born.

I hadn't realised that throughout the scan appointment I'd been gripping my husband's hand so tightly that the imprint of my engagement ring was pressed into his fingers - marked red and white from a lack of proper circulation during those twenty minutes or so.  He'd obviously understood my tension and didn't say a word - I don't think I gripped his hand that hard during labour!!

The tears let out the anxiety I'd held in all that morning, but they also came from knowing that we're expecting another little girl.

Another daughter.

Another niece, another grand-daughter.

Another little sister for Lizzie.

I cried with sorrow for the daughter we'd lost, the little girl who'll remain in our memories forever as a 6lb 10oz newborn we'll never see grow up.  And I cried with joy for the little girl I'm growing inside me now, who deserves to have as much anticipation, excitement and preparation for her arrival as her older sister Daisy did.

So here's to the next 18 weeks of planning and expectation until we meet our new arrival - another little lady to welcome into our family.

Best wishes
Debbie

My pregnancy - 18 weeks

Once we get to the end of this week, we pass the halfway point in my pregnancy and there will be officially less time to go than the time that has passed.  This milestone means a lot to me in that it signals the end is in sight - and, whilst I don't want to wish my life away, I'll admit that there's nothing I'm looking forward to more than reaching the end of my pregnancy and welcoming a healthy baby into the world.

In terms of forward planning, very little has been done - but this is mainly because there is very little to do.  Shortly after Daisy died my husband and I packed away all of our baby things.  It took a while for us to face going into the baby's room and carrying out the heartbreaking task of packing up everything we had lovingly prepared.  Each item was tenderly folded and tucked away in storage boxes - from blankets and bedding, to nappies, baby toiletries, toys and more.  The patchwork baby quilt I'd made.  The lovely baby gifts from my work colleagues.  The soft, fluffy hooded towels all washed and ready.  The boxes were filled and these are currently stored in the cupboard in my mum's spare room.

We hadn't bought much but we'd had everything we needed.  As all of this is stored away, we'll have everything we need again - although I don't plan to collect the boxes and bring them home until much nearer the time of this baby's arrival.

Last time we didn't buy any clothing except the basics, as we were leaving it until the birth to find out if we had a new son or daughter.  This time, we're planning to find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl and this will allow us to buy a few things in pink or blue in preparation for his or her arrival.  It will also give us a chance to firm up on a name for our baby.

The baby's movements are getting stronger and Lizzie is delighting in these movements just as she did during my last pregnancy.  She kisses my bump every morning and every night, starting each day by asking how the baby is doing.  She has also taken to singing to the baby now she knows that he or she is starting to hear sounds from the outside world.  Although, to what extent the baby is enjoying her renditions of "Gangnam Style" is anyone's guess....

Best Wishes
Debbie

My pregnancy - 17 weeks

As I'm approaching the halfway point in my pregnancy now, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on things. When I wrote on my blog that I was expecting another baby, I was really touched by all your kind messages and emails.  It is indeed an emotional rollercoaster and nothing could have prepared me for that fact, no matter how much I anticipated it would be.

I'm very lucky in that the physical aspect of pregnancy hasn't given me any issues.  This is my third baby; my body is well-practised, and knows exactly what to do.  Perhaps too well - my body shape seems to have changed very quickly this time, but then I guess that is to be expected, since only 7 months ago I gave birth to Daisy.  I unpacked all my maternity clothes again and I doubt very much that I'll be re-visiting my size 8 jeans again anytime soon - if ever!

Emotionally, well - that is more complex.  To be honest I had been feeling almost detached from the idea of having another baby; it wasn't that I wasn't happy to be pregnant again - of course I am very happy to be having another baby.  But what lingers in the back of my mind is fear.  The fear that something will go wrong, the worry that something awful will happen, the rising panic that there are so many things that can go wrong, that I was blissfully unaware of the last time I had a baby.  And although I can tell myself that the fear, the worry, the panic is not helpful, an almost self-preservation mode kicks in.

But people don't want to hear about fear and worry - they want to think that you are fine, that you are coping, that you are happy and excited.  So I smile, and keep my worries and fears to myself.

My local Sands group runs a Next Pregnancy Support Group - a group that meets monthly and is run by a Sands befriender and a local midwife, specifically aimed at supporting parents going through a pregnancy after the death of a baby.  I went along to the last meeting and finally I was able to talk to other people who knew, and understood, just what I was feeling.  I almost felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders - sharing my worries and concerns with others feeling the same, made me feel a whole lot better.

And I could talk about Daisy.  I like talking about her; I like sharing the details and memories I have.  Even though some of those memories are acutely painful, they are all I have - and like any proud mum, I like to talk about my children.

I came away from the meeting feeling more positive and optimistic than I had been.  Nobody said "oh, I'm sure everything will be fine this time", not really understanding, or knowing.  They said, "it's perfectly understandable and natural to be anxious after what happened to Daisy.   But you can do this, you can get through your pregnancy, one week at a time, and relax as much as you can - you're not alone in how you're feeling, and it's normal".

So I began to tentatively look ahead.  I promised Lizzie that we'd go shopping for an outfit for the baby, after I have my next scan (and hopefully, find out whether we're expecting a boy or a girl).  Her excitement is catching - I cannot help but be drawn in.

In the last few days I have began to feel my baby's movements; I lie back on my bed with my hand on my tummy and concentrate on feeling my new son or daughter, dancing around, growing and developing and becoming the little person we'll be welcoming into the world in a few months.

And I am beginning to feel excited.

Best wishes
Debbie

Some happy news to share...

Today I have some happy news to share with you all.  

In June we'll be welcoming another baby into our family.  Yes, I'm 15 weeks pregnant with my third child and we're very happy indeed to be expecting again!

I hope this goes some way towards explaining my sporadic blogging activity of late.  What between morning sickness, tiredness, and a rollercoaster of extreme emotions, I have been physically and mentally exhausted and blogging has somewhat slipped further down my To Do list.

My physical symptoms are now starting to settle down and I'm getting back into my normal routine of things.  

As for my emotions, to say they are mixed would be a massive understatement.  Pregnancy can be an emotionally charged time anyway, without the experience we've had.  Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will understand why this is, of course.  For new readers, this is because this pregnancy follows the death of our last baby, Daisy, in July of last year.

Wow.  Emotional doesn't even scratch the surface in describing how I am feeling.

My poor husband.  He would probably be kind and describe my alternating moods as somewhat erratic.  But in all honesty I swing from being elated to scared, to joyous to tearful, in a state of almost perpetual anxiety and occasional denial that my pregnancy is even real.  I'm sure this is completely normal, given that I am still grieving Daisy's death.  But I'm sure it makes me very challenging to live with!

So I'm channelling my energies into positives where I can, in order to keep myself busy and to help the remaining weeks pass quickly and smoothly.  I'm returning to focus on my blog, I hope to finish some of my crafting projects that have been hanging around for what seems like forever, I'm coming up with lots of delicious gluten-free recipes to share, I'll be tackling some of those To Do items that always end up left on the list, and also sorting out my house and catching up with some (long overdue) housework - including a truly towering ironing pile!

On top of all this, planning for my Charity Party Night for Sands is well underway and my return to work is keeping me busy too.

So thanks for sticking with me as we move into this next eventful journey for Family Life in Fife.

Best wishes

Debbie