Not how it was meant to be...

This week has seen the start of the new school term here in our part of the world.  In the run-up to this I'd been thinking that Lizzie going back to school would give us a welcome return to a routine and help us on the road to finding our feet again.  What I hadn't thought of, or prepared myself for, was the sadness I would feel this week.  The return to school just reminded me of how it was meant to be - Daisy was meant to be with us.

I was meant to be taking Lizzie to school and going for a walk with my baby in the pram.  Instead, once I've dropped Lizzie off, I am walking home alone.  Back home to our house to consider ways to fill my days.

I was meant to be proudly showing off our new baby, with all the mums at school gathering round the pram for a peek at our newborn.  Instead, some mums avert their eyes, looking the other way - avoiding eye contact with the woman whose baby died.  Other mums are full of pity and condolences - and I cry.  I cannot help the tears - this is not how it was meant to be.

I was meant to be happy for all the other pregnant women, sharing that knowing look that passes between mothers.  Instead, I need to look away.  It hurts to see their glowing baby bumps.  Daisy was safe when she was tucked up inside of me.

Lizzie was meant to be showing off her baby brother or sister to her classmates and her teachers, excitedly sharing the news that the baby had arrived and telling everyone how she was helping me.  Instead, she has to tell her friends that her little sister, Daisy, was born - but she died.  That hurts a lot.  My heart aches for Lizzie and all that she has lost too.

My heart is heavy and there's a lump in my throat.  Sometimes it's hard to swallow it down.

Accepting that this is not how it was meant to be, but that this is how it now is, is very difficult indeed.

Thank you for reading.

Debbie