As I'm approaching the halfway point in my pregnancy now, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on things. When I wrote on my blog that I was expecting another baby, I was really touched by all your kind messages and emails. It is indeed an emotional rollercoaster and nothing could have prepared me for that fact, no matter how much I anticipated it would be.
I'm very lucky in that the physical aspect of pregnancy hasn't given me any issues. This is my third baby; my body is well-practised, and knows exactly what to do. Perhaps too well - my body shape seems to have changed very quickly this time, but then I guess that is to be expected, since only 7 months ago I gave birth to Daisy. I unpacked all my maternity clothes again and I doubt very much that I'll be re-visiting my size 8 jeans again anytime soon - if ever!
Emotionally, well - that is more complex. To be honest I had been feeling almost detached from the idea of having another baby; it wasn't that I wasn't happy to be pregnant again - of course I am very happy to be having another baby. But what lingers in the back of my mind is fear. The fear that something will go wrong, the worry that something awful will happen, the rising panic that there are so many things that can go wrong, that I was blissfully unaware of the last time I had a baby. And although I can tell myself that the fear, the worry, the panic is not helpful, an almost self-preservation mode kicks in.
But people don't want to hear about fear and worry - they want to think that you are fine, that you are coping, that you are happy and excited. So I smile, and keep my worries and fears to myself.
My local Sands group runs a Next Pregnancy Support Group - a group that meets monthly and is run by a Sands befriender and a local midwife, specifically aimed at supporting parents going through a pregnancy after the death of a baby. I went along to the last meeting and finally I was able to talk to other people who knew, and understood, just what I was feeling. I almost felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders - sharing my worries and concerns with others feeling the same, made me feel a whole lot better.
And I could talk about Daisy. I like talking about her; I like sharing the details and memories I have. Even though some of those memories are acutely painful, they are all I have - and like any proud mum, I like to talk about my children.
I came away from the meeting feeling more positive and optimistic than I had been. Nobody said "oh, I'm sure everything will be fine this time", not really understanding, or knowing. They said, "it's perfectly understandable and natural to be anxious after what happened to Daisy. But you can do this, you can get through your pregnancy, one week at a time, and relax as much as you can - you're not alone in how you're feeling, and it's normal".
So I began to tentatively look ahead. I promised Lizzie that we'd go shopping for an outfit for the baby, after I have my next scan (and hopefully, find out whether we're expecting a boy or a girl). Her excitement is catching - I cannot help but be drawn in.
In the last few days I have began to feel my baby's movements; I lie back on my bed with my hand on my tummy and concentrate on feeling my new son or daughter, dancing around, growing and developing and becoming the little person we'll be welcoming into the world in a few months.
And I am beginning to feel excited.
Best wishes
Debbie
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