Letter to Daisy: I feel so sad today

Dear Daisy

I feel so sad today.

I woke up at 2am and I was crying before I was even fully awake.  I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.  I tried to cry quietly; but Dad could feel the sobs I was trying to swallow back down and he woke up too.  He held me in his arms while I cried.

There's a knot in my stomach and my heart feels heavy.  I'm dragging my grief around with me like a stone.  A sour taste rises up in my throat and I have to choke it back down.  The blood rushes to my head and I hear it pounding in my ears.  I exhale slowly to focus my breathing and control the anguish that at times threatens to consume me.

I feel so sad today.

The temptation is there to lock myself away in my room and cry and cry and sob and wail.  To be alone and wallow in sadness and grief.  My despair is overwhelming.  And there's the loneliness; at times I feel so alone.  Like I'm the only one feeling how I am feeling, like no-one can possibly understand how I am feeling.

I feel so sad today.

But then the house starts to stir; the children wake up and then the flurry of activity that is the day begins.  Breakfast needs made; washing needs to be hung out; children need to get dressed; teeth need brushed; attention needs to be given.  The distractions begin.  I'd promised we'd play with plasticine today; the box has already been looked out by Lizzie and is waiting patiently on the chair beside me.

I bury my sadness to be indulged in another time.  I am needed at home.  I wipe away my tears and prepare myself to face the day.

Let's just get through today.

Lots of Love
Mummy