Dear Daisy
You only had one day together with us all in this world; but I had nine months with you.
During our honeymoon last year Dad and I decided we would have a baby together. When we got home, we started trying soon after and we were so lucky - I fell pregnant straight away! That positive pregnancy test after just a few weeks was so exciting. Dad said, "it's meant to be". He was excited too.
We didn't tell anyone; it was our secret for now. I remember when the date came for the first scan and we saw you on the monitor for the first time; you were real! A grainy image on the screen of the growing life inside of me. Dad and I were holding hands as the sonographer ran the device over my tummy. You were bobbing around in there and just starting to take shape. Our little baby.
We shared the news with family and friends and everyone was delighted for us. The days and weeks flew by and my body changed shape to accommodate you growing inside of me. At my check ups I heard your heartbeat; strong. You were healthy and growing and changing rapidly in your safe cocoon.
By the time we reached the halfway point, 20 weeks, I had started to feel you moving inside me. Tiny, fluttering feelings of movement. A daily reminder of the life I was growing, the baby that Dad and I had created. You.
You got stronger and stronger and I grew and grew. I delighted in the movements you made. I'd lie for hours with my hands on my belly and feel your movements through the skin. I felt like I was connecting with you. Dad would ask, "what are you doing?!" and I would answer, "oh, just feeling the baby!" - in bed at night I'd lie still and smile as I felt you wriggling around. Dad would place his hand on my tummy too and feel your movements.
I stroked my belly absent-mindedly throughout the day. I always had my hands on my tummy, feeling you move. I loved that feeling. You were always very active and strong inside me. As I sat at my desk at work, or in meetings, I loved to feel you move around. I was so aware of you, all the time - my little baby, growing each day.
When my maternity leave started my routine changed. I indulged in all my favourite things; I pottered around at home, I walked Lizzie to school, I cooked and I baked, I spent time with friends, I wandered round the shops. All this time you were there, with me. I carried you around in my belly and knew it wouldn't be for much longer - we'd meet you soon. These were such happy days. Full of life, anticipation, excitement, happiness. I was so happy.
I told Dad that when you arrived and I'd no longer have you inside me, I'd miss having you in there. I'd feel empty without a baby in my belly after nine months of growing and nurturing you. Oh, how right I'd turn out to be but for all the saddest of reasons.
I miss you, Daisy. You were only here in this world for a day; but you were here for nine months for me. You were real to me for the nine months before you arrived in the world. You were a part of me for nine months; and now you're gone. I feel empty, literally. There's a space inside of me where you once were and now you're not. And you're not here with us either.
I miss you, Daisy. I'm empty without you.
Lots of Love
Mummy
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